The Fake Equation

A few days ago, I was inside of a Wal-Mart (imagine that), and there was a girl who caught my eye. I’m a lonely person, but that’s mostly by choice: I don’t like people. Still, though, I am a hapless romantic at heart. One of my new favorite films is Buffalo ’66. I also liked Garden State [if you are going to flame me, please use my GMail address instead!!!!].

At the same time, I’m a pretty confident person, at least when it comes to girls, because I don’t give a shit really, if nothing else. Normally, then, I don’t go obsessing over some chick I barely know anything about. In fact, I don’t think that’s necessarily what I’m doing now. What I’m doing now is just reflection. I am, on the other hand, a somewhat socially anxious person, in that I almost always go home and consider every line I’ve uttered that day, in detail (the difference being I always see my conversations with the female sex in a positive light, for whatever reason, as opposed to the horrible torture that is me mulling over my attempts to have an actual friend [because everyone knows you can’t be “just friends” with a girl]).

But I see these as missed opportunities. It isn’t focused on an individual. In fact, it’s shifted since that day to yet another lady I didn’t meet. Many, many girls out there accidentally glance my way, smile, and then shyly turn away, and many of them flirt with me, on the rare days that I actually see the light of day, and manage to remind myself what a female looks like with her clothes on. However, one of the reasons I don’t like people is because I know very few people who I think of as not being stupid. Since females happen to be a subset of people, depending upon your beliefs, that means females are pretty stupid, too; I’m much more interested in having a partner that might not quite fit in with the rest of the bunch, and the last two candidates I’ve spoken of to this point, in my mind, seemed to be somewhat interesting to me–and how many more interesting ladies am I really going to meet, given the likelihood of most of the girls I encounter being stupid (and to disregard, here, the fact that I’m too lazy to go out so as to increase the chance I’ll find more who aren’t)?

I see it, then, as just another day wasted, in what’s going to amount to my pathetically short and boring life. If you’re stupid: I’ve seen the goal posts, but I didn’t go in…
So in the interest of feeding my appetite of romanticism for the day, I’ve decided to take action. I don’t intend on doing something as extreme as what this guy did, but I do intend on doing some serious math. And math is serious.

To be honest, I don’t know the first thing about mathematics, but I do know how to be a passionate, devoted, hard-working individual, and, if you don’t like it, you can go to hell. I’ve managed to come up with an equation to calculate my chances of meeting this chick once again:

Cm = Pt / Nw * Pr * Pg * Pf * Pd * Ht * (Ss/St) * Pva

Pt: Number of total people in my city of residence
Nw: Number of Wal-Marts
Pr: Percentage of population in permanent residence (alternatively percent chance of the girl being a resident)
Pg: Percentage of 15-25 female demographic
Pf: Percentage of young females who have families they go shopping with
Pd: Percentage of people who visit Wal-Mart daily
Ht: Average number of hours these people spend in a Wal-Mart each day (some go more than once)
St: Size of Wal-Mart, total, in square feet
Ss: Size of the spot where the chick was found sitting
Pva: Number of days (out of any arbitrary time frame) I will visit Wal-Mart for the average amount of time

Cm: chance of meeting chick (alternatively Cogl, with a term that describes in joules my ability to charm females, which is like 200 trillion)

Here are the numbers I have plugged in to the equation:

Cm = 100,000 / 2 * .98 * .30 * 1.00 * .75 * .08 * (5.0 / 300,000) * 1.00
= 0.0147
= 1.47%

If you disagree, you’re stupid, and you probably don’t believe in aliens either.

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